My relationship with the Jesus I’ve never seen but love

If I was one of the disciples who followed Jesus while he walked on this planet, I would have been one he looked at and said, “Oh ye of little faith. Why do you doubt?” (Matthew 14:31, 6:30, 8:26, 16:8, 17:20).

My faith-relationship with this Jesus I’ve never seen but love (1 Peter 1:8), is overwhelmingly more held together by Jesus than it is by me. In fact, it’s totally held together by Jesus. If he let go, I would fall deep into the waters of unbelief and drown.

But he has me. Me of little faith. He has me like he had Peter. And like Peter I look at this Jesus in the Bible, out there walking on the stormy waters of my life, in total control, bringing me peace in the midst of my turmoil, building up our relationship by increasing my trust in him, and I get a rush of faith. I believe him. I know that I know that I know that he’s got this. I trust him so much in those moments that I ask him to let me walk out there with him, in the miraculous place of not be ruled by my circumstances.

He smiles. Glad I asked. Says, “Come out here daughter!”

I climb out of my safe little boat- sleeping in, to-do lists, schedules, meal plans, exercise routines, Bible devos…all the things I do to try and keep some order and safety in the midst of the troubling waters that threaten to destroy. Those dark waves of depression, hard marriage, challenging teenagers, pressures from outside and pressures from within engulf me. All the time. And it’s good to have a boat to keep those things from ruining. But it’s even better to walk where Jesus is, with all that threatens under his feet.

I start making my way to Jesus. I choose prayer over a little extra sleep. I choose meditations on scripture before I plow into my to-do list. I choose words of life over criticism and jabs when I feel hurt. But most days, just a few seconds into those steps of faith I realize, “I’m walking on water! I’m trusting in someone I have no control over!” And I start to doubt. “He might let me sink! I can’t handle all these hopeless attacks that come with depression. I can’t make my husband love Jesus with me. I can’t make my sons want to follow Jesus for themselves. I can’t handle all these pressures in life…. I can’t!” And just like that, I’m under water, struggling to come up for air.

Disoriented by the waves of my hopeless, unbelieving thoughts, I kick my legs, push water with my arms, trying with all my might to find my way to the surface. And there I feel his warm, strong hand in the cold, violent waters grabbing my flailing arms, pulling me with his steady strength to the surface. There, drenched in unbelief, I cling grateful to this Jesus I’ve never seen.

The metaphor of me, walking on water with Jesus, and sinking in fear and doubt, plays out in my day to day.

The other day, I woke up late after working three long twelve hour shifts at the hospital, hurried to wake my teenage son, and went about my morning routine at a faster clip. In thirty minutes or less I read the Bible verse of the day on my phone, made my son a quick breakfast to-go, slipped on some shoes and drove him to school in the dark. We drove in silence while I prayed for words of life to speak to my strong-willed son who’s been resisting boundaries since he found out how to escape his crib at 11 months of age. None came to mind.

We pulled up in silence to the high-school at the coldest point in the morning, when the sun’s light just begins to drive out the darkness. “Ok, I’ll see you this afternoon at your game son. I love you.” He mumbled, “Thanks mom” climbed out of the car, threw his backpack over his shoulder and made his way into the institution that will not teach him about this Jesus I’ve never seen but love. I sighed a pleading prayer and started driving home.
On my way back home burning tears welled up, my throat tightened, I felt like I couldn’t breath. I was sinking. “How will he ever believe?! What if he never believes?! Why can’t I think of any life-giving things to say to him? I’m doing nothing for him…” And then I felt the strong grip of God’s faithfulness yank me out of my faithlessness. The remembrance of God’s sovereignty in the stories of Joseph’s betrayal, Moses’ call, Ruth’s redemption, Daniel’s answered prayers… and Peter’s restoration came to mind. And my tears flowed with thankfulness. This Jesus I’ve never seen whispered to my heart, “Oh you of little faith. Why do you doubt? Remember who I am. Remember what I’ve done.”

“I am the Lord your God, who rescued you out of slavery to your sin. I am the one that made you able to want me in the first place. I am the one who gave life to your body and made you born from above. I am the one who took out your heart of stone and gave you a tender heart to love me. I am the one who teaches you and guides you and will never leave you or forsake you. I am the one who began this good work in you and I will be faithful to complete it. I am the one who invites you to bring your children to me. I am the one hears your prayers and gives good gifts. I am God. Nothing is impossible for me!”

This is everyday real life for me as a Christian. I heard the old old story. I believed it. And now everyday I go about my daily life with a heart that beats with tender-love for this Jesus I’ve never seen, and the people he’s put around me. But I forget so easily what He’s done for me. I forget that He’s the one who made my hope in him possible in the first place. And I start to sink. Even still I’ve found he’s always there, pulling me out of death into life, over and over and over again. This history I have with this Jesus I’ve never seen but love is proving to me that not only did I believe in him in the first place because he miraculously gave me a heart to have affections for him, but every day I will only continue to believe in him because his strong arm is holding me.

Jesus saved me. He saves me daily. He’s my hope for waking up tomorrow and still trusting him. He’s my hope for the human-impossibility that my husband and sons will see his worth and love him. For with us it’s impossible. But with God, nothing will be impossible. He will keep holding our relationship together until I see him one day face to face. And then, oh finally then, I’ll never sink in the waters of unbelief again.

Are you saying divorce for abuse or adultery is “giving up” on your marriage?

Since Tuesday, when Desiring God published my letter to a woman married to an unbeliever, I have received many private messages from Desiring God readers. Among them questions, objections and concerns were brought up that I responded to privately. I want to address those issues here. This post will be the beginning of a few posts dealing with the most common questions I received from my article. But before I delve into sharing my thoughts on these issues, I just want to say: I am not a trained counselor, pastor or scholar. But I am a woman in awe of Christ. He’s got a hold of me. I just want to follow him.

Through my hard marriage I’ve been tested and I’ve learned a few lessons I think are important to share. My hope is that as I share what God is teaching me He will be honored and someone will be helped.

One of the responses I received went something like this:

Q: Are you saying if you divorce your spouse for a good (Biblical) reason, such as abuse or adultery, you’re sinfully “giving up”?

A: Anytime a person speaks about divorce in the Christian community serious concerns rise to the surface. What about cases of abuse? What about adultery? Isn’t there Biblical cause for divorce? All of those questions are serious and Biblical answers should be sought out. But my article wasn’t specifically aimed at those issues. My aim was to speak to women, who like me, are married to unbelievers, and feel like giving up at times because it’s just hard.

Sometimes I feel like those issues are brought up sort of like the issues of rape, incest and harm to the mother’s health are brought up when speaking about abortion. I know there are hurt women who’ve been abused and abandoned by their husbands and then found no support or help in their churches and/or from people they trusted . These women are not who I was aiming my thoughts at in my article at Desiring God. But addressing issues of adultery and abuse is very important.

My article was speaking specifically to women ready to give up on their marriages because of the everyday hard things of my being married to a man that doesn’t share your love of Jesus. I also had in mind women I know who’ve left their Christian husbands because their marriages were getting hard.

Why Most of Us Divorce

The truth is the majority of divorces, as well as the majority of abortions, are not carried out because of abuse, adultery, rape, incest or life-threatening health issues. The majority of divorces (and abortions) are carried out because of the inconvenience of dying to self and dealing with the hard things of loving a sinful person. We get tired of each others sinfulness. We get tired of being not loved well. Whether it be marriage or raising children, both require commitment to die daily to your own needs and wants, trust Christ to provide all that for you, and to get down low and engage in the mess real relationships are.

As I see it in scripture, God created marriage. And for the Christian, marriage is a ministry, not a place to find your ultimate fulfillment.

Whether you’re married to a believer or unbeliever, the example God is displaying in you as his child is one of his faithfulness and self-sacrificial love. But that faithfulness and love is not to be confused with enabling or ignoring adultery or abuse. The Christian woman is called in marriage help her husband by faithfully loving him and dealing with his sin with the grace and truth found in Christ. That includes everyday offenses, abuse, adultery and all other kinds of terrible situations one can find themselves in when they’re married to a fallen person.

We all sin. There is no escaping that. And whether it be an accumulation of passivity or aggressiveness, or negligence to cherish, or refusal to show longed-for affection… whatever daily sin-pattern you can bring up as an example, it’s going to get hard to enjoy and love the person you vowed to be faithful to until death parts you. You are going to have to suffer something to love your spouse. You are going to have to die to something to foster a loving relationship.

Don’t Mistake Mercy for Enabling Evil

When it comes to particularly egregious sins like adultery, physical or emotional abuse, theft, drug use, alcoholism, addictions, etc., God provides a way to deal with these kinds of sins with transparency, boundaries, accountability and safety. Women who find themselves in relationships with these evils will need wise council, Biblical guidance and clarity on the difference between mercy and enabling. God teaches us to expose and deal with sin in a way that hopes for restoration and reconciliation. But a cheap-grace message taught in church can lead to a misunderstanding of the gospel, the mark of Christ’s majesty in Christian submission, forgiveness, mercy and reconciliation.

This confusion about how the gospel of Christ plays out in dealing with sin in our daily lives, combined with our natural tendency to either wink at sin (boys will be boys… that’s just her personality, etc.), sweep it under the rug, enable it, or condemn the person for doing it, has led many into unhealthy relationships. When we mistake mercy for enabling sin and grace for ignoring wickedness, and then condemn people for sins we personally can’t handle, we cheapen the costly blood of Christ and minimize his power to change lives.

Author Jen Wilkin summed up the heart of the problem in pointing out that the gospel is not just being declared innocent of sin in a recent tweet:

“Don’t reduce “gospel-centered” to “justification-centered”. The Good News is more than our freedom from sin’s penalty. It’s also our progressive freedom from sin’s power and ultimate freedom from sin’s presence. Justification, sanctification, and glorification are all the gospel.”

Looking back in my marriage my thinking has been clouded by a misunderstanding of grace and my self-preserving tendancy to not deal with sin like Christ teaches us to. Both the Old and New Testament show us a God who is faithful to his covenant with his people, and exposes and disciplines them for the purpose of their redemption.

Help From The Scriptures and a Warning

In the Old Testament the Lord’s people are typified as a wife to God (Read Hosea). Israel is adulterous in her relationship with God. But her unfaithfulness and betrayal is not ignored, winked at or enabled. And although Israel’s sinfulness is dealt with harshly, she is not utterly condemned because God is faithful. In the New Testament you see Christ deal with Israel’s ugly, bigoted, perverse, greedy, hypocritical and abusive behavior. And he clearly speaks to the harsh consequences adultery can have on a marriage (Matthew 5:31-32)

Much wisdom can be gleaned from looking at how God dealt with his people’s sin in the Bible. But I want to give a clear warning here to women who might misunderstand the gospel: You and I are not Christ. We cannot save our spouses. We don’t suffer to atone for their sin.

It is not your job to suffer abuse to save your husband. Christ did that.

If your husband is abusive, the kind of suffering you may be called is the loss of your marriage because you hold your husband accountable for his sin using the governmental and legal means God provides. Hand your husband over to the legal authorities, seek safety for yourself while giving your life to following Christ and interceding for your husband.

Whether it be adultery or abuse, Christ does not lead us to enable, ignore or dismiss the sin in our spouses lives. He leads us to humbly, yet boldly expose sin and follow him. We should pray for and want our husband’s to be truly saved and made new. And that is shown by our willingness to deal boldly with our husband’s sins in the light. Saving grace and mercy is not shown by enabling, ignoring or dismissing a husband’s evil behavior.

John 13 is on passage that has taught me to vulnerably expose the sin that needs to be brought into the light and then forgive.

Not ignore.

Not say it’s ok.

But to do what the Bible teaches us to do: expect to see repentance and reparations (fruit of repentance) before reconciliation can happen.

Ignoring, enabling or dismissing your husband’s adultery, abuse, addictions, etc. is not the way Christ has called you to be a Christian wife to him.

Get Help and Follow Jesus

If you find yourself in a marriage to an abusive man seek safety and legal help. If you find yourself in a marriage wrecked by adultery, unless your spouse is repentant and willing to seek counseling and set up measures of accountability and do the hard work of establishing trust over a long period of time, send him away. Wait on God. Pray. Get counseling for yourself. And get on with following Christ.

Your truth and grace stance with your husband may be the very means by which God does a life-changing work in him.

May God bless you as you seek Christ and follow him!

“Take no part in the unfruitful works of darkness, but instead expose them. For it is shameful even to speak of the things that they do in secret. But when anything is exposed by the light, it becomes visible, for anything that becomes visible is light. Therefore it says,

“Awake, O sleeper,
and arise from the dead,
and Christ will shine on you.” -Ephesians 5:11-14

*** For more help, here is a list of a couple of books and resources I have found helpful in gaining sobriety and wisdom in being a Christian wife.

Boundaries In Marriage by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend

Healing Your Marriage When Trust is Broken by Cindy Beall

Sacred Marriage by Gary Thomas

Enough Is Enough by Gary Thomas

Divine Guidelines For Marriage from Grace To You

Ash Wednesday is a perfect Valentine.

I’ve grown thick-skinned after 26 hard years. At seventeen this small-town girl met a big-city boy and fell into infatuation. After two years of dating, and three break-ups, I married that rebellious, out-of-town boy who walked into my life wearing torn and bleached blue jeans, long blonde hair and a pink corduroy hat. After 24 years of tumultuous marriage, nearly divorcing as many times as we broke up while dating, I find this pretty potted orchid by my morning coffee today.

Over the years I’ve dreaded, ignored and been disillusioned by my silly hopes for Valentines day. But in recent years I’ve despised the day. Every pink, red or purple balloon/heart/flower was salt poured in my 26 year-hard-relationship wound. But this year Valentine’s Day is on Ash Wednesday, and I’m actually thrilled! Not because I woke up to an orchid and my husband’s heartfelt note. But because I’ve learned, still learning, that I’m dust and so is my husband. And I do good to remember that it is real love which compelled Christ to bear a cross for my dust so that I could bloom in his love forever.

Ash Wednesday is the beginning of Lent. It’s the beginning of a fast to remember who we are, turning from clinging to our dust, living for ourselves, and to long for and look to the One who died in our place so that we might be free from the curse of sin and live for Him. If I forget that I’m dust I might start thinking I’m a god and should be worshipped with offerings of shiny pink boxes or long-stemmed roses. If I forget that my husband is dust I might start thinking he should act like a god and sweep me off my feet and rescue me. But if I remember I’m dust, married to dust, both of us in desperate need of the One who died to give us life, I’ll be embarking on the cross-carrying road real love is all about.

According to legend St. Valentine died for marriage. This priest was put to death in ancient times for secretly marrying Christians. I’ve learned, still learning, to die for my marriage. Any married person has to die a little, no a lot, to give marriage a chance to live. Jesus did not say, “You only live once so get as much good for yourself as you can now!” He said, “If you want to really live, you’re gonna have to die.” (My paraphrase Luke 17:33). Marriage is worth dying for. It’s beautiful, all-be-it hard, painful and messy. It’s meant to be a picture of the faithful love of Christ for the people who love him (the church). Christ died for those who love him to be like a bride to him. He died so that human beings, who are but dust, could be made like Christ, living forever with the wellspring of life that comes from him filling us. He died so that we could know what real love, real life, real hope, real peace, real happiness is. Christ is not a god who receives offerings of roses and chocolates. He is the God who lays down his life so that we, the people he loves, might live. Valentine’s Day is about dying to yourself so that marriage can live.

Twenty four years ago I walked down the isle hand-in-hand with my husband, dust holding dust. We were pronounced man and wife and I began my journey into dying to myself so that this big-city boy I fell for could see the faithfulness Christ has shown me. It’s fitting, if not a bit prophetic looking back, that we walked down that isle into the world with the song Faithfully by Journey announcing the banner over our dusty union. I hear the lyrics often in my head.

They say that the road
Ain’t no place to start a family
Right down the line
It’s been you and me
And lovin’ a music man
Ain’t always what it’s supposed to be
Oh, girl, you stand by me
I’m forever yours
Faithfully

My skin is thicker after 26 years. I’m thankful for my husband’s thoughtful orchid and note this morning- a little good in the land of the living. A little tenderness amidst a hard, dying-to-self, remembering-I’m-dust marriage. Today I’m turning again from trying to be a god who is satisfied by chocolates and roses and romantic gestures, and from trying to make my husband into a god who rescues me. I’m turning to the God who laid down his life for my ashes. There is real love. Dust I am, but by the power of his love I am more, I am a little Christ. His faithfulness reminds me he is giving me beauty for ashes. His death reminds me that real love dies for the one he loves.

Roses may be red

Violets may be blue

But real love dies

For another’s life

And dust married to dust

Doesn’t expect much

But remembers

Her Redemers last words

“It is finished” he cried

For my dust he died

To give me life he bled

Now dying to self

I have beauty instead

Reflections on 2017 and resolves for 2018

The last three days of 2017 will be mostly spent at the hospital where I work. So if not now, I won’t have much of a chance to reflect on 2017 or make plans for 2018 before it’s here.

Today I went to the gym after waking up late (7:30 am is two hours of sleeping in for me), took my teenage sons to their dental cleaning appointment, got a replacement florescent light bulb for our kitchen and then stopped here at our local library to capture maybe an hour of intentional, prayerful thinking on what has happened this year and what I am aiming for the next.

I asked my 13 and 14 year olds this morning to consider three questions:

Something you’d like to learn?
Something you have questions about?
And something you are interested in?

They looked at me like I was from Mars. That’s pretty much where it stands right now as far as their opinion of me anyway, so I wasn’t offended. Somehow, in the last year, I’ve become the parent that doesn’t know anything, and does things that NO other parent does to their kids. Things such as, ask them to put away their youtube/snapchat/instagram, video games, phones and take their earbuds out so they can consider three questions. Yep, I’m that parent.

This leads into both a reflection on 2017 and a resolution for 2018 when it comes to being a mom raising men.

Reflection

A Hard Year For My Kids

My kids had a hard year. If you’ve read my blog much, or my about me page, or if you know me well at all you know that I am working the mom thing from a difficult marriage point of view. The difficulty specifically lies in what I’ve dubbed being a One Peter Three Wife. Another way I’ve coded this kind of marriage is an “even if” marriage. 1 Peter 3:1-2 in the CSB version says it like this:

In the same way, wives, submit yourselves to your own husbands so that,even if some disobey the word,they may be won over without a word by the way their wives live when they observe your pure, reverent lives.

See that “even if” in there. All marriages are hard, or at least have hard seasons somewhere. But the man or woman who finds themselves in a marriage to a spouse that doesn’t love God’s word, doesn’t follow Christ, doesn’t “obey the word”… we find ourselves in a particular kind of hard marriage. The kind where some might think you should bail because a divided house is sure to fall anyway. But Peter doesn’t say that. And neither does Paul. Peter says, “Even if you find yourself in a difficult marriage to an unbeliever, try to win them over without preaching to them!” And Paul says, “If they are willing to stay married to you, stay married. You might win them over!” (my paraphrase of 1 Cor. 7:12-16).

So, I’ve been in one of these “even if” marriages for 24 years. And it hasn’t been easy. We’ve been separated and on the verge of divorce more than once and 2017 was one of them.

This year my sons have had to live through the fear and sick feelings that come with having parents who aren’t in a stable marriage. I remember those feelings. I was one of those kids too. But I see God’s grace so much in this hard year for my kids. They have seen first hand what it looks like to trust Christ in relational trouble. They have seen and heard their mother’s prayers. They have seen God work repentance in their parents. And they have seen God work reconciliation and healing and true change.

Good In the Midst of the Hard Stuff

In 2016 Connor had told me he didn’t want to go to church anymore and was very adamant about it. In 2017 I’ve seen God use Valley Life Church to draw Connor and Ryland into relationships at church through the youth there. Connor now goes to youth group almost every Sunday. Ryland wanted to proclaim is faith in Christ and be baptized this year. God is so faithful! He’s been with me and my boys through the fire this year. He’s heard my prayers and he’s at work in my sons and marriage.

2017: The Year God Put Us In A Church

I had been bouncing from church to church for a couple years before 2017, but after summer vacation I decided to commit myself to Valley Life Surprise. Valley Life is a member of the Southern Baptist Convention and Acts 29 Ministries. So I guess you could say I’m a Baptist now, but I would say I’m a very grateful Christian. Valley Life Surprise is a church plant in the west valley. Just weeks ago, we purchased a building so that we have a base for the mission of reaching out to our community with the gospel. We’re a small church, but I’m confident God is adding to his church, even in this little spot in the world. I love that the gospel is preached at Valley Life every Sunday no matter what passage of scripture is being preached. The good news that God has give his Son in our place for our sins so that we could no longer live for ourselves but for Him is pointed to constantly. I love that!

First Step In A Dream-Direction

In 2017 I, finally, started working on getting my bachelor’s of science in nursing through an online program at Grand Canyon University. This is really a first step in following a direction I’ve been dreaming and praying about. It won’t be long and my teenage sons will be out of the house on their own. When that time comes, I’d like to be ready to give myself to the needs of whatever people God would lead me to, as a nurse. Possibly a nurse practitioner. Maybe it’s because of the healthcare changes I hear about politically. Maybe it’s because I work in a hospital and see first hand so much of the fruit of our broken system and unhealthy lifestyle as Americans. Maybe it’s because I just happen to be a nurse and feel Christ’s love compelling me to give to those who can’t give anything in return. It’s probably a conglomeration of all those things. And it’s pushing me in the direction of wanting to further my degree in nursing so as to put myself in a position to provide healthcare for those who can’t access it. So far the classes are going very well. There’s lots of reading and writing, which I enjoy. Sometime soon comes the dreaded statistics class. That might not be my favorite.

Resolves

As I look back at 2017 and see God’s faithfulness and mercy, I feel encouraged by His ways and words to take hold of his promises for 2018. Not that he has specific promises that I know about for 2018, but he has specific promises. And I want to lay hold of them in 2018. God’s word is true. He does what he says he’ll do. And his ways are made known to me in Christ. So I can look to the scriptures, and look to Jesus and believe that he will do certain things.

I resolve to lay hold of the promise that God will work all things together for my good to conform me to the image of his Son (Rom.8:28-29). In 2018 I want to have a constant view of my life that says, “This is God’s tool to serve me in making me more Christlike.” And the only way to change the way I think about life so as to have that view spill out of me when I’m shaken is to renew my mind! And the only way I know to renew my mind is to start putting God’s word in it more.

With that desire in mind and that promise in view, I resolve to begin memorizing scripture. I’ve never followed Beth Moore, read any of her books or done any of her Bible studies. Nothing against her at all, just never have read her. But, I tripped over her launch of a group on Facebook the other day where she is starting a community online committed to memorizing the book of Galatians. It’s intimidating. I’ve failed at completing goals for memorizing large portions of scripture before, but I want to do this! I need it!

When I told my kids I was considering memorizing Galatians the critical response I got emboldened me to do it even more.

This leads to another resolve: To read my Bible from my Bible in the house, not from my phone. I do most of my Bible reading on my phone. And that’s fine except I’ve been thinking about how often my kids see me on my phone. They don’t know what I’m doing, they just see me on my phone. I want them to see me in my Bible. Here’s a promise I can cling to in seeking to press God’s word into my memory:

If you abide in me, and my words abide in you, ask whatever you wish, and it will be done for you. By this my Father is glorified, that you bear much fruit and so prove to be my disciples. John 15:7-8

This leads to another resolve: Read 4 books other than the Bible this year. I love to read, but I rarely get through a whole book in a year. I know that sounds crazy, but I usually only get bits and pieces of books or articles. And that’s really because I don’t carve the time out to read. In 2017 I read 5 books other than the Bible. All of them assigned books by our marriage counselor. I can make a goal to read 4 books and do it.

Don’t Grow Weary In Training Your Kids

This is a big one. I grow weary in doing good often. And I see in myself a tendency I saw in my dad: to “give up” whenever things don’t turn out how I want or people don’t respond favorably to me. The giving up I’m talking about is an attitude of despondency. Not a surrendered trust in God, but a faithless, hopeless pouting about how hard things are. This attitude is what I see in the story about Israel fearing going into the promised land because of the giants. God scolded them because they looked at the giants but they didn’t look at the greatness of their God! I do that. I hate it that I do that, but I do. And I when I catch myself I wanna smack myself upside the head and say, “Shape up Sheila! Look up! Your God is the Creator of heaven and earth! He could have wiped this earth off the map a long time ago but he waited for you! You are HIS! You have Christ and all that is Christs forever! Stop pouting. Get your tail out from between your legs and get out there and restrain your kids from the evil their bent towards. Teach them the gospel. Teach them God’s ways! Don’t pay attention to their eye-rolling responses. Keep tilling the ground of their hearts. Keep planting the seeds of truth. Keep watering with prayer. God will be faithful! It won’t be for nothing!”

A promise I can cling to for that resolve:

“You shall therefore lay up these words of mine in your heart and in your soul, and you shall bind them as a sign on your hand, and they shall be as frontlets between your eyes. You shall teach them to your children, talking of them when you are sitting in your house, and when you are walking by the way, and when you lie down, and when you rise.” -Deuteronomy 11:18-19

“so shall my word be that goes out from my mouth; it shall not return to me empty,but it shall accomplish that which I purpose,and shall succeed in the thing for which I sent it.” Isaiah 55:11

There’s more in my heart than I can fit in this blog post. God knows. I’ll spend time writing in my 13 year old “Faith” journal probably sometime on New Year’s day. But I better wrap this up for now. I have hungry teenage sons and a husband on his way home from the gym. They might eat each other alive if I don’t get there and cook something.

Some good things in a hard few days

fullsizeoutput_f4e The last couple days have been not my better ones. Probably the best part of them was the hour I spent on the floor smiling and making funny noises with 1 year olds in the church nursery. It’s the most smiling I’ve done in the last 48 hours.

Some days are hard. And I get discouraged too easily.

I was thinking today about how I’ve probably read just about every Christian-marriage book on the shelf. And how one common theme bothers me: they all seem to say if you do what they’re suggesting, your marriage will be great! I’ve yet to find a book that says, “Even if you do these things for your marriage it may not get better. But Jesus is worth it.” Maybe I should write one.

The second best thing that happened in the past 48 hours is my visit at my grandmother’s this afternoon. Having the recent diagnosis of lung cancer metastasis to her brain and spinal cord, many family members that I haven’t seen since I was a little girl have been coming to visit. Today I got to see two of my great Aunts: Velma and Sandra, both from Arkansas. The last time I saw them I was 10. I remember being at my great grandma’s rock house in Arkansas and the sound of their voices as well as the chocolate gravy with homemade buiscuits great-grandma Emma made us. Seeing the 33 year older version of them today was a blessing. Connor and Ryland also got to meet them. We exchanged mini-life updates and laughs about our families tenacious tendency to be competitive, exaggerate and be loud. There were four generations in that small apartment and it was good.

Driving home I thought about how the goodness of that family time was just a redeemed taste of what my Creator has always meant for me. He made me for a family. His family. With laugher and roles and helping one another and love.

This verse really struck me in my #IsaiahChristmas reading today:

‘In that day man will look to his Maker, and his eyes will look on the Holy One of Israel. He will not look to the altars, the work of his hands, and he will not look on what his own fingers have made… ‘ Isaiah 17:7-8

One day I will look on the One who made me literally. But something wonderful has happened in me in that I believe on the One I have never seen. And I find I “look” to him more and more and recognize how stupid I have been when I catch myself looking to the things I’ve made. As though they could save me. As though they could help me. As though they could make me to know love.

Only my Maker can do that.

eyes on the Author- the every morning struggle to walk by faith

I don’t wake up full of vision and motivation. Actually, what motivates me most is the idea that my french press and single-origin coffee from Guatemala are just minutes away from awaking my senses with it’s warm, toasty aroma. And on those days when I get my stiff, puffy-eyed body out of bed and make my way to the cabinet to prep the press with my favorite coffee and find we’re out, I feel great motivation to get dressed and drive to the local store so I can hurry up and get back home before too much time has passed and get my coffee going.

Basically, coffee motivates me to get up in the morning.

Mixed in the grogginess between eyes open and that first cup of coffee I remember who I am.

I am not my own. I am a Christian. The weight of meaning in that word falls on me like gravity on the fledgling attempts of a young eagle to fly every morning.

I feel myself falling. Falling. Squawking out a cry, “Help! Help Lord! I am yours. Let me hear your loving kindness in the morning lest I be like those who go down to the pit!” Sometimes sooner, sometimes later, but never failing, my faithful Helper and Friend, my God, my Father, the one who made me a Christian and bought me out of slavery to the law of sin and death, he swoops down and lifts me up on his everlasting wings.

He’s teaching me to fly. To soar on wings like eagles. To walk and not grow weary. To run the race set before me as a woman finding her identity in Christ, as wife to James in a difficult marriage, as a mother raising men, in a community and time full of the “treasures of Egypt“. And when he finally lifts me up I see the wonder of who He is and what He’s done and what He’s doing in me, I can face the day.

I don’t always get a chance to reflect on the truth of what God has done in calling me his own daughter like today. Usually the day marches on and I struggle to fix my eyes on the One who wrote this story. He’s the author of my faith, and since he is, he’s also the one who will finish the story he started in me. He’s not an inconsistent blogger or an aspiring writer. He’s the author of life, and the writer of faith, and the one who began this good work in me. And he will be faithful to complete it.

Every morning the struggle is real. And that’s no cliche. I need to get my eyes on Jesus every morning and remember who I am, and the promise that He who began this good work in me will be faithful to complete it. I need to remember that God gave me life in Christ and I am destined to be with him forever. I need to remember because I’m called to die daily. I’m called to follow Jesus in taking up my cross daily. I’m not here for my best life now. My life is not all about me and getting all the pleasure and comfort and ease I can squeeze out of the day and people in my world. I’m a Christian, my best life is already and not yet. I taste it here in every little resurrection, when I deny bitterness and embrace forgivenesss, when I deny ease and choose serving, when I feel the sorrow and the pain of my own sin and others’ sins and rejoice in the promise that the One I love, who I have never seen, He will make all things new.

If I could just get my eyes on the Author today I’ll be OK.

“…let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, looking unto Jesus, the author and finisher of our faith,” – Hebrews 12:1-2