learning – Sheila Dougal

confessions and desires of a world-digesting writer/eater cell

Merriam-Webster defines a writer as: (noun) One that writes.

Big shocker.

I’ve been writing, well since I was about 5. First just letters, then short, three word sentences without punctuation, then onto complete sentences and paragraphs. By seventh grade when I had Mrs. Spicer for English I was writing essays and stories and poems and loving it. In between there around the age of nine I started journaling. For me, writing has been a way to process my thoughts, feelings and circumstances. When Jesus became real and beautiful to me at age sixteen writing was the way I processed what I was reading in the Bible and the conflicting feelings I was experiencing as an insecure girl wanting to find my place in the world. I wrote a play for my youth group and more essays and poems and filled a few more teddy bear and flower decorated journals.

Between those early teen years and now I have married, graduated from nursing school, labored two sons into the world and moved several times. In between those words are years of trials and joys. Some too hard to speak about. All digested in the writings of my private journals. Also in there somewhere I discovered the blog. I had no idea. Up till my discovery of Blogger all my writings were private letters, journals, poems and word docs. As women in my church, close friends and family encouraged me, I began to blog more.

In the past 10 years or so of blogging I have been introduced to the endless voices in the public square. It’s quite overwhelming actually, the volume of published content by anyone and everyone on the internet. A simple google search on any topic will give you pages and pages of links from the famous and professional to the stay-at-home-mom who managed to squeeze in a half hour of blogging in her day full of household management tasks and human-raising efforts. (A thought-provoking article here about the tsunami of un-governed writings and teachings available on the internet for the consumption of the church and it’s implications.)

In the beginning of my blogging efforts I set out to promote my blog- reading other blogs, commenting, participating in mommy-blog contests, etc. And then my marriage took a dive into troubled waters. During that time I stepped away from public writing and became aware of my mixed up priorities and the praise-seeking sin at the root of all my efforts. Writing had ceased to be a tool for processing life. It had become an obsessive exercise to be known. I hated finding that out about myself. But it was the beginning of dealing with a besetting sin that was dragging me down on my race of faith.

As I returned to meditating on God’s words more and processing what I was finding there in private journals, I slowly returned to selectively writing on my blog again. This time with a decision not to self-promote or to check stats or seek comments, but just to offer in a public way my meditations on God’s word and life with a prayer that it might encourage someone out there.

Writing for me has never been an identity or profession. To me, calling myself a writer because I write is sort of like calling myself an eater because I eat. It’s a fact. Big deal. Writing is the way I chew on life and digest it. Ignorantly I’ve sort of thought everyone does that. Having two sons who don’t enjoy reading or writing like I do has taught me that not everyone experiences life best with books and ink and words. Not everyone feels a sense that heaven might smell a lot like the intoxicating paper pages scent of Barnes and Nobel.

Somehow, the process of digesting life that is so necessary for me has encouraged others. I’ve been told it’s a gift. I haven’t thought of it that way. But listening to others and hearing God say, “Do your part in the body of Christ! Use your gifts for the good of the body,” (my paraphrase of Romans 12:3-8), I have started to take more seriously the stewardship of a gift God has given me to process the Word and the world in writing for the purpose of pointing others to him. I want to do this while thinking of myself soberly and less. For me this means beginning to submit public writings not just here on my blog at my will, but to men and women in the church (worldwide) who can help me steward this gift for the good of the church and God’s glory.

Desiring God has been a source of much encouragement to me in my walk with Christ and so was the first venue through which I have submitted a couple articles and have been so humbled to have published there. The decision to submit writings to editors and people who give feedback and criticism and sometimes just a simple rejection opens me up to learning to take this gift God has given and start stewarding it for the multiplication of his kingdom. I’m excited to learn. I really don’t feel comfortable calling myself a writer because I need to write. But I do feel comfortable calling myself a glad and happy servant of my Servant King Jesus to the people he loves!

I mean, I am a nobody. Really. There are plenty of famous and much better writers out there. But, I am a cell in this body. And maybe it’s just another cell or two that needs to fight off some invading sin or needs help to lift it’s spiritually-anemic head. If that’s one of the ways God wants to use my life I say a hearty, “Yes!”

If you’re reading this I’d appreciate your prayers that I would seek first the kingdom of God, and his righteousness and forget about myself and be more others minded for their good and God’s glory in my writing. Pray that I’d learn to use writing as a means of building up the church and bringing God glory.

May God build up his people, even with a world-digesting writer/eater cell like me.

A hodge podge of thoughts

Proud man says, “Where is God? What God? There is no God!“

Humble man says, “What is man that You, O God, are mindful of him? And the children of men that you visit them?“

We are so proud. We think we’re so big and smart and the center of the universe. We think we know it all and if there is anything we don’t know we’ll explain it when we figure it out.

I like Bill Nye the Science Guy. But he’s a guy. He’s not God. He’s not all knowing. He’s not got the universe figured out. Yet he says this with such faith. And that’s just it, it’s faith. He builds on what he believes is the unseen foundation of all we see. He believes the foundation is random, purposeless, meaningless, chance, and change.

At least this lady and this guy are willing to say, “Hey, we don’t know everything, but we have faith in the One who does and we choose to believe in the elevating perspective of a Creator creating His creation.” They also build on a foundation they can’t see. Their foundation, and mine, is a loving Creator Who created me for a purpose and the trees for a purpose… and the sun… and the dog… and the humming bird, etc.

Other tid bits:

I’ve been working on reading Robinson Crusoe. It’s a very interesting read so far. I am literary-classics illiterate. I was supposed to read those in high school. I didn’t. I skimmed by. I finished my senior year taking classes at a community college and finally started learning something. So I’m a little late, but sophomore reading for Mrs. Spicer’s class here I come!

I’m 38 and I’m already starting to lament the “good ole days.” Well, not really, there were no good ole days in the 80’s for me. I guess its a matter of standards.

It seems to me personal responsibility is becoming as rare as a man opening the car door for his wife or sitting together at the dinner table as a family. To suggest personal responsibility is to suggest one take on Mount Everest. “I can’t do that! You do it for me!” That’s basically what I was told today when I “suggested” (told) a parent that their child was being excluded from school for not supplying the school with state-law-required immunization records. A two week notice had been given, before that another two-week notice. A grace period of the entire first quarter was given. One would think that would be plenty of opportunity to work with to get the required document. But I was told, “You do it.” “You find a way to get the record… I don’t have time.” Wow! Very sad.

I screwed up this past two weeks. I was supposed to return a purchase order card I had checked out from the district office before fall break within 48 hours of borrowing it. It wasn’t until I pulled my driver’s licence out before boarding a plan to Oregon this past week that I realized I had forgotten to return the card. When I got back to work yesterday I returned it to the district with my apologies and admission that I had no excuse. I forgot. I fully expected some kind of reprimand. I got none. I still expect it. It’s my responsibility, I didn’t do what I was supposed to do. That’s so freeing. It’s so freeing to confess, accept responsibility and move on. Letting a bunch of responsibilities go unfulfilled while making a bunch of excuses as to why one can’t fulfill their responsibilities and pushing off the responsibility onto someone else is bondage!

Quieted,

Sheila

You never know

In the district I work, nurses have to work late on the Thursday of parent/teacher conference night. So last night I was there until eight, hence no blog post.

You never know what can happen in a day. Your house could catch fire. Your grandchild could drown in your pool while you’re watching T.V. You could have a stroke. You could get hit by a car while riding your bike on the way to school. I’m not just being a doomsayer here. Between yesterday afternoon and this morning I found out all of these things happened to people I know. My heart aches for the people involved in all of these situations. People to pray for.

It’s the beginning of fall break for me and the boys. They get one week, I get two. Tomorrow is baseball. Sunday I’m really looking forward to. And then a week of… He knows. And I trust Him with it. I know not what can happen in a day. I do know the One who will use all that happens in my days to mold me more and more into the image of His Son. So be it!

Come now, you who say, “Today or tomorrow we will go into such and such a town and spend a year there and trade and make a profit”–yet you do not know what tomorrow will bring. What is your life? For you are a mist that appears for a little time and then vanishes.- James 4:13-14

And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose. For those whom he foreknew he also predestined to be conformed to the image of his Son, in order that he might be the firstborn among many brothers.- Romans 8:28-29

Connor’s teacher wrote a few things about him that made me glad despite his struggling grades. She wrote that he asks good questions and that he accepts responsibility and learns from his mistakes. Those two statements hold a lot more credit than A’s in my book!

My two boys are the odd couple for sure. One is always moving, one I am always trying to get moving. One is very academic, a good puzzle solver…a thinker. The other will chase any fast moving object, be quick to hurry through eating or any assignment so he can go chase a fast moving object. One could easily excel in school. The other will probably always struggle in school.

I obviously want my kids to get good grades, but I don’t place the emphasis of my approval on the grade. I do place it on their willingness to work hard, listen and learn and take responsibility for their choices. To hear Connor’s teacher point out these characteristics in him thrilled me, despite my concern for his grades. I know as long as he keeps asking good questions and is willing to learn from his mistakes, take responsibility and work hard, he’ll do just fine.

Poverty and disgrace come to him who ignores instruction, but whoever heeds reproof is honored.- Proverbs 13:18

Quieted,

Sheila

We all want progress, but if you’re on the wrong road, progress means doing an about-turn and walking back to the right road; in that case, the man who turns back soonest is the most progressive.- C.S. Lewis

I hate playing catch up here.

As I’ve said, I process life better in the second-living of it- i.e. writing. Or talking it out with God, which is what I do for the life I can’t second-live in public writings.

I took up early-morning walking with my black lab Bailey a week or so ago, when it started getting cool in the mornings. I take her down to the local park on-leash and then release her to chase rabbits to her hearts content in the empty park. While she lives the Labrador Retriever dream of chasing a fast-moving small animal, I walk and talk to my unseen Lord.

I watch His sun rise on the just and the unjust, and breathe in deep the air He keeps filling my lungs with, and pour out my complaints to Him. I usually stop my self after a few thoughts and take notice of blazing fireball bursting over the eastern horizon and realize I have more reason to give thanks than to complain. I begin thanking Him for His promises and the everyday blessings and ask for the wisdom to live in relation to situations my heart is heavy with. The park becomes better than coffee. Walking and praying is very invigorating. People come to mind and there’s no radio or email or list to make to distract me. I picture myself bringing these people, some by the hand, some in my arms, to my Father in heaven. I am so privileged to get to be apart of what He’s doing in their lives.

When I was a teenager I wanted to be a female Indiana Jones. I wanted to be an archeologist. I wanted to go dig up ancient treasures out of the dirt. In a way, I feel a little like a female Indiana Jones of the Bible.

For the last month I’ve been digging thru ancient writings of the Bible, searching for treasured and timeless truth, preparing to deliver a Bible study. I feel like I hit a vein of gold, or uncovered the corner of an enormous buried treasure!

The nature of the God of the Bible is the same from beginning to end. He loves humility and hates haughtiness. He is sovereign and dangerously all-powerful and good! He cares for barren and widowed women and fatherless children and those who are oppressed. He is faithful to His promises even when those He has entered into a promise with act wickedly. He deals with wickedness and has mercy and compassion on whom He wills. He wills to show that mercy and compassion on ANY who will humble themselves before Him. He is faithful. He alone has the right to condemn and He alone is the one who can save. He is passionate. He sees me. He cares for me. He is patient with me… with everyone. He is the same God to Tamar and to the woman caught in adultery at the feet of the Savior in the New Testament and to me. He is my hope all day long!

The laws of the LORD are true; each one is fair. They are more desirable than gold, even the finest gold. They are sweeter than honey, even honey dripping from the comb.- Psalm 19:9-10

I made a really yummy gluten-free margherita pizza tonight. I used Pamela’s Gluten-Free Bread Dough Mix and sprinkled the bottom of the pan with flax-seed meal for some extra goodness and texture. I topped it with Barilla’s tomato and basil sauce, fresh basil leaves picked from my school’s sensory garden, and whole-milk mozzerrella. Buon appetito!

Tomorrow I’ll be talking with the kinder and first grade class at Pathway about how God fed the people of Israel with “What is it?” (manna) in the desert. I pray these kids will know the Greater-Than-Moses who has delivered them from the slavery of sin. I pray they will taste the goodness of God and feed on His Word in their sojourning… even when they don’t understand and ask, “What is it? What is this all about?”

…as newborn babes, desire the pure milk of the word, that you may grow thereby, if indeed you have tasted that the Lord is gracious.- 1 Peter 2:2-3

Quieted,

Sheila

Learning in silence- A lesson from my haste

For whatever reason, it seems Christmastime (especially last year and this year) is a time when the Spirit really admonishes me- in every sense of the word.

I’ve been looking back, not in a longing way, not in a holding on to the past way, but as though I were an athlete looking at a previous game to learn from my mistakes that I might train myself to not perform them again.

I believe this is a godly sorrow that God is working in me. It’s not fun! It’s not condemning either though. It’s learning to despise my ways and love the Lords. And it’s clinging even more to His mercy and grace.

When I was a teenager I played basketball at my school. I wasn’t very much of a hustler. I was timid and scared of fouling anyone and therefore didn’t make much of an impact on the game for my team, other than rebounding. But in one game, the ball landed in my hands while my team was on offense. I was standing right under our hoop, but I was so excited about my destiny with the ball, convincing myself quickly that I could do this, that I made a terribly embarrassing error. I started dribbling down the court… THE WRONG WAY!!!! I heard all the screams and cheers and thought everyone was cheering for me, and then I made the shot. At that point, as I stood alone with a smile on my face under the opposing team’s basket I began looking around for my teammates to give them high fives. I suddenly realized what I had done when I saw my team hanging their shaking heads, my coach yelling my last name, and the opposing team cheering. I was mortified!!!! Utterly! I loathed myself and wanted to give up basketball forever. (That is a totally true story and one of the most embarrassing moments of my life by the way.)

This is sort of how I’ve felt this past week as the Spirit has “played the video” for me of previous “games” in my life where I’ve made grievous errors in judgement. I’m so glad God is more merciful than my 7th grade basketball coach. But I’m sad, because my sinful ways in life have caused a lot more damage than 2 points in the opposing teams basket.

I wanted to share with you (whoever you are out there in blogland) a sorrow I have from my past choices that has lead to a true turn around (repentance) in my life. I pray you will learn from my experience and not make the same error in your own “game”.

I sorrow that I did not learn in silence.

“Women should listen and learn quietly and submissively.” 1
Timothy 2:11 NLT

The tendency, when I first hear that verse is to feel defensive and try to explain it away. But after having chosen to not learn in silence, being quick to start “teaching” others what I was so convinced I understood, I realize how shameful my choice was and how wise and right God’s word is.

When I first reunited with my husband I was so excited! For many reasons. One being I was convinced I was going to start some version of a Billy Graham crusade where women would see how much Christ loved and valued them and suddenly WANT to love their husbands in Christ-like, humble love. I had the basketball and I started running with it! Problem is, I was running the wrong way! I ended up sharing online, and with a neighbor friend, and even with a small group at church, what I was convinced was a sure “two-pointer” for our team, but it turned out to be a score for the opposing team.

It wasn’t that what I wanted was wrong. I wanted to score for “my team” (women in the body of Christ). I wanted to encourage other women with the same encouragement I’d received from the Lord. I wanted them to know what God was teaching me, but my running to the wrong hoop lied in the fact that I was still learning. And because I was still the “younger woman”, learning how to apply this revelation of Christ’s love for me in my own life, when I went around “teaching” others I delivered a mixed up message… I didn’t rightly divide the word of truth.

The result was even more humiliating and more damaging than scoring for the wrong team. I’ve had to go back and confess that I was wrong to the women I’ve talked with, and even one of their husband’s (with the wife present). I’ve grieved much over them because in my haste I misrepresented God’s word to them. I’ve given the enemy fuel for the accusing and have been stuck in a mire of pity and discouragement, and much more, all as a result of not learning in silence.

The call to the sidelines in the months which followed that first year or two of running to the wrong hoop (not learning in silence) was even harder than it was for me in 7th grade. God humbled me and I didn’t want to “play” anymore! But this past year He’s been teaching me the importance of having a godly sorrow that leads to turning around, not a worldly sorrow that leads to giving up (death). God doesn’t want me to stay sorrowful and stop running the race set before me (Hebrews 12:1). He wants me to receive with meekness what He teaches me in His word and let be implanted in me for true growth.

Therefore lay aside all filthiness and overflow of wickedness, and receive with meekness the implanted word, which is able to save your souls. – James 1:21

So this week as I was reflecting on this bad play from my past I thought, “Your Word is so good Lord! There’s nothing at all to be despised about 1 Timothy 2:11. It’s a rule of Your game of faith that will save many women from running to the wrong basket.”

Oh, how I wish I had of been more like Mary in the days, weeks and years following the miraculous intervention of God in my life. I wish I had just treasured up all the things God was doing and speaking to me, pondering them in my heart… learning in silence.

There’s a time to learn in silence and there’s a time to teach good things. But I would be wise to be sure I’ve learned before I teach.

So how do I know if I’ve learned something so that I might go teach it to another woman as God would have me?

Here are some questions I’m asking myself now:

Am I still learning?
Do I still have questions?
Has this topic gone from “taking it in” to “fleshing it out” in my life or am I still just taking it in?
Is what I think I’ve learned clearly in the Word?
Do other godly women and accurate teachers of God’s Word I know confirm the things I’ve learned in their teaching of the Word?

It’s SOOOOO important to stick close to the Word!

When God says “learn in silence” He’s not saying, “Don’t talk to anyone.” He’s saying take time to learn, and while you’re learning, keep quiet about it. He also says, “Older women be teachers of good things,” and then He even goes on to list those good things very clearly.

God does want us to “teach” other women in our lives, for we are “older” than someone in the Lord, and we are “younger” than someone too. But if we stray from the simple power of God’s word and add in a lot of our own thoughts (which I have done), sin is not absent.

In the multitude of words sin is not lacking, But he who restrains his
lips is wise. – Proverbs 10:19

The law of the Lord is perfect, converting the soul; The testimony of
the Lord is sure, making wise the simple; The statutes of the Lord are right, rejoicing the heart; The commandment of the Lord is pure, enlightening the eyes; The fear of the Lord is clean, enduring forever; The judgments of the Lord are true and righteous altogether. More to be desired are they than gold, Yea, than much fine gold; Sweeter also than honey and the honeycomb. Moreover by them Your servant is warned, And in keeping them there is great reward. – Psalm 19:7-11

As I look back on my own mistakes I wish I had of made a few “passes” instead of running down the court with the ball. In other words, I wish I had of gotten together with another Biblical “older” woman in my life and discussed the things I was learning and then just prayerfully waited for who I should share it with.

Where there is no counsel, the people fall; But in the multitude of
counselors there is safety. -Proverbs 11:14

None of us in our “learning” ever fully arrive at attaining what we’ve learned. Even Paul said,

“Not that I have already attained, or am already perfected; but I press
on, that I may lay hold of that for which Christ Jesus has also laid hold of me.” -Phil.3:12

And we know that the Lord wants us to teach others what He teaches us:

Whatever I tell you in the dark, speak in the light; and what you hear in the ear, preach on the housetops. -Matthew 10:27

Go therefore and make disciples of all the nations, baptizing them in
the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit, teaching them to observe all things that I have commanded you; and lo, I am with you always, even to the end of the age.” Amen. -Matthew 28:20

…the older women likewise, that they be reverent in behavior, not
slanderers, not given to much wine, teachers of good things– that they
admonish the young women to love their husbands, to love their children, to be discreet, chaste, homemakers, good, obedient to their own husbands, that the word of God may not be blasphemed. – Titus 2:3-5

Yet there is clearly a time for quietly learning and waiting, receiving the implanted Word meekly, and letting it mature into seen fruitfulness in our own lives before we set out to teach it to others.

I am convinced, after my own sin in this, that there is a need to stop and truly spend time waiting on the Lord when He’s doing or has done something in our lives that we’re eager to share. I’m so quick to want to share with others what I’m learning, but there’s something to be said for just treasuring up what I’m learning, so that a day may come when I can effectively teach it to others.

Here I am, blogging about learning in silence. May seem to be a bit of a contradiction. And truly, the fact that I’ve set out to share my life and God’s Word on this blog should cause me to pause and check myself to be sure what I’m sharing is accurately God’s word. There’s a healthy tension God would have me press forward in. God does not want me to give up teaching good things- teaching the things He’s taught me, teaching His word accurately- but He wants me to restrain my teaching with silence while I’m learning. In this way I might go forward not like a wild horse, but like a trained and reigned in one.

To help me submit to those reigns gladly, yet move forward in the direction my Master would guide me, I’ve decided to embed these scriptures to the top of each of the posts I go to create. I want to be sure what I share here is clearly and accurately spoken by the Spirit in the scriptures and submitted to in my own life:

Dear brothers and sisters, not many of you should become
teachers in the church, for we who teach will be judged by God with greater strictness. James 3:1 (NLT)

Women should listen and learn quietly and submissively. 1 Timothy 2:11 (NLT)

But as for you, promote the kind of living that reflects right teaching… live in a way that is appropriate for someone serving the Lord. They must not go around speaking evil of others and must not be heavy drinkers. Instead, they should teach others what is good. These older women must train the younger women to love their husbands and their children, to live wisely and be pure, to take care of their homes, to do good, and to be submissive to their husbands. Then they will not bring shame on the word of God. Titus 2:1, 3-5 (NLT)

Oh Father, You’ve been so patient with me. I’ve despised Your discipline and pouted for a long time. I haven’t received Your chastisements as a loving Father dealing with His wayward daughter. Thank You for being patient to let me see that it is good that You deal with me so. Please set a guard over my lips, and fingers (for typing), that I might be restrained with silence while I’m learning something You want to teach me. And let me press forward in sharing Your word accurately. I know it begins in my own heart. This is my prayer:

Who can understand his errors? Cleanse me from secret faults. Keep back Your servant also from presumptuous sins; Let them not have dominion over me. Then I shall be blameless, And I shall be innocent of great transgression. Let the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart Be acceptable in Your sight, O Lord, my strength and my Redeemer. -Psalm 19:12-14

Redeeming the time